Today I was reminded of a turning point in my life. A time that that I remember with pain and joy. A time of crisis. A time of change. A time when He drew me close. I wrote two poems during that time. The first "Deep Inside of Me" is a bit depressing, but it was brutally honest at the time and began my search for answers and the second was written as He guided me through this time. I love to go back and read them and remember the mourning that He turned into Dancing.
Deep Inside of Me
So tender and easily wounded,
Yet so protected around,
My heart is locked…
I readily hear, but don’t readily share.
I readily laugh, but don’t readily care.
I readily ask, but don’t readily answer.
I readily see, but I’m not an observer.
A facad is all that people see.
They don’t know that’s not the true me.
But those that are close know the truth,
I’ve been insecure all my youth.
My heart is locked up so secure
That it is not easily touched for sure.
The walls are built day by day;
Inside them weeping my heart does lay.
The sun doesn’t shine on all my scars.
It’s so protected by all the bars.
Am I only cold and uncaring?
Or is it just from despairing?
I laugh and I cry,
I giggle and sigh,
But all that I live is a lie.
I can’t hide from the truth of “good-bye.”
They say changes come through the years;
And moments are missed ‘cause of fears,
But what do I do being tender inside? How long from the future can I hide?
Broken
I was happy. I was content.
My days with activities were spent.
I was busy, so busy serving You;
I had no time for what was true.
I tried to ignore what I knew was true.
My soul was yearning, yearning for more of You.
I longed to see Your holy face;
And feel around me Your embrace.
I strained and struggled;
I worked harder and harder,
But finally drained, I looked to You;
For crying out was all I could do.
Now, I know His will
And He’s so real,
My life He seeks to fill.
I’m so weak, but You’re so strong.
In my silence, You gave me a song.
I need so much, You’re so much more.
You saw right through me—right to my core.
My door was locked, but You had the key.
So, here I am where I should be.
I’m here down on my knees…
Begging God, “Please, use me!”
Take me, break me, mold me, use me,
Make me nothing, ‘till You’re all I need.
I know I’m in the right place,
But I stand only by Your grace.
My future unclear,
But You are near.
The sky was clouded;
For rain I prayed
To come and drench me,
Refresh and cleanse me,
Renew Your spirit with in me.
Like the clouded sky I see,
Which brings refreshing rain from Thee,
So my future dark and clouded,
Brings my life closer to thee.
In my fear, I must rely
Wholly, completely on You.
To do Your will is my desire,
To walk with You even through fire.
I’m here for a purpose—Yours;
To serve my Lord of Lords.
May I forever be totally, fully committed to Thee.
So, Take me, break me, mold me, and use me.
Sunday, September 28, 2008
Background to the "Metaphor"
I was talking the other day to one of the other M's here and thought about this poem i wrote when I was in Melilla--it's a little Spanish city on the coast of Morrocco where I interned under some M's who were working on the hard soil there...that summer they had their first meeting together...it was such a joyous occasion! I've since edited it a bit and left some words out that need not be googled! :-) I hope it's an encouragement to others as it was to me.
Jen
Jen
Metaphor in Creation
I sit here on the sea shore—staring at the sand.
The waves keep rolling in, one by one they hit the land.
Each one smoothing out the sand.
My eyes catch sight of a sea shell, and then I see the wave.
It falls upon and over it, but when the waters ebb…
The shell has remained intact.
One by one the waves roll in, but the shell remains unmoved.
Yet what my eyes do not detect from where I sit is that—
Each wave loosens the sand around this shell until—
There comes a certain wave.
This wave is not special in any form or way—it is not big nor small.
It has no special power or force to claim at all.
But when that wave hits the land and comes back in again…
Low, the shell has gone with it.
These prose pop in my head and then, I see,
It is another metaphor, maybe heaven sent.
For around me lies a nation…whose hearts seem hard as stones.
The M*sl-m world enslaves them…their heart and mind and soul.
They seem so stuck, unmovable…as each M--ry's life is spent.
Each one returns with seemingly little to show.
But, unseen to their eyes is this…the ground around is weakening
As each person comes and goes.
Flowing God’s love and power over those who would be His own.
Who knows when the shell will loose?
But, oh, the trap!
To think that the one that brings the shell with it is special on it’s own.
For, the work was done by many who carried the load before.
And they all have One in common—the power of the Lord.
The result is not our own goal,
But to do and be the best—with who we are in Him
To be who God intended and do what He has planned.
At the end of times, we may celebrate…
That though many “waves” came and went—
The “shell” at last came in.
The waves keep rolling in, one by one they hit the land.
Each one smoothing out the sand.
My eyes catch sight of a sea shell, and then I see the wave.
It falls upon and over it, but when the waters ebb…
The shell has remained intact.
One by one the waves roll in, but the shell remains unmoved.
Yet what my eyes do not detect from where I sit is that—
Each wave loosens the sand around this shell until—
There comes a certain wave.
This wave is not special in any form or way—it is not big nor small.
It has no special power or force to claim at all.
But when that wave hits the land and comes back in again…
Low, the shell has gone with it.
These prose pop in my head and then, I see,
It is another metaphor, maybe heaven sent.
For around me lies a nation…whose hearts seem hard as stones.
The M*sl-m world enslaves them…their heart and mind and soul.
They seem so stuck, unmovable…as each M--ry's life is spent.
Each one returns with seemingly little to show.
But, unseen to their eyes is this…the ground around is weakening
As each person comes and goes.
Flowing God’s love and power over those who would be His own.
Who knows when the shell will loose?
But, oh, the trap!
To think that the one that brings the shell with it is special on it’s own.
For, the work was done by many who carried the load before.
And they all have One in common—the power of the Lord.
The result is not our own goal,
But to do and be the best—with who we are in Him
To be who God intended and do what He has planned.
At the end of times, we may celebrate…
That though many “waves” came and went—
The “shell” at last came in.
Monday, September 15, 2008
Scattered, random, and etc...
So, one week down and 11 more to go! I can't say that I don't like teaching because the truth of the matter is I really do. What's not to love... social time, conversation, language, grammar, and best of all, a captive audience?! :-) Oh.., I know.., the prep time and the time it takes me away from my boys...that's what I don't love. [Or should I say, "I'm not loving..." Use that rare progressive form with a stative verb to show emphasis!!! :-) --Can you tell what I've been up to this week?!] Anyway, I'm definitely pulled there, but life is what it is right now and I continue to live and learn.
I figured out this week that public transportation, though quite accessible to us living downtown, only gets me to my destination at most twice as fast as just walking... How might you ask did I figure this tidbit out? Well, thanks to some bicycle racing that took place in the city, our main tram line was shutdown and a lot of the buses changed their route. And to add to the caos all traffic was almost at a stand still on our main street, so instead of the 20-30 minute trec home, I walked home and it took less than an hour! It's a weird feeling to be walking faster than traffic. Even the sidewalks where congested with people!!
Then there's the daily walk to the school where I teach. Most of the time I just choose to walk since it only takes 15-20 minutes. I could take the tram that passes a block away from our house but even if there is no wait at either stop (school is one stop east, switch trams, and then 2 stops north) it still takes 15-20 minutes! Go figure! So, maybe soon i'll be in pretty good shape...I figured out that most school days I walk about an hour!
Moving on to the weekend. Andy ran the local 5k run and the whole family had fun. My language helper joined us as we watched around 2000 people take off running down Krasnaya (our main downtown strip--like a "Main St.") Then less than 15 minutes later, we saw the first runners return--they said they were Olympians!! While I think Andy enjoyed his run, I was once again caught off guard by the fact that races are not a simply a spectator sport. When he did his marathon, I remember also getting a 4 hour workout walking back and forth to different spots. Well, this being a short race and having two kids with me, I figured I was safe. I walked the 15 minutes to Krasnaya from the house but when Michael John saw all the people running, he decided to join in. Thankfully, Vika was their to help me. She stayed with Nathanael while I let MJ run up and down one of the blocks while we waited for Andy to came back around!! MJ ran almost 4 blocks!!!! Needless to say he took a great nap that afternoon!!! :-) I'll try and see if I can get some video of it. He was so cute!
Well, I need to get to doing some homework and preparring my lesson for tomorrow, so off I go!
I figured out this week that public transportation, though quite accessible to us living downtown, only gets me to my destination at most twice as fast as just walking... How might you ask did I figure this tidbit out? Well, thanks to some bicycle racing that took place in the city, our main tram line was shutdown and a lot of the buses changed their route. And to add to the caos all traffic was almost at a stand still on our main street, so instead of the 20-30 minute trec home, I walked home and it took less than an hour! It's a weird feeling to be walking faster than traffic. Even the sidewalks where congested with people!!
Then there's the daily walk to the school where I teach. Most of the time I just choose to walk since it only takes 15-20 minutes. I could take the tram that passes a block away from our house but even if there is no wait at either stop (school is one stop east, switch trams, and then 2 stops north) it still takes 15-20 minutes! Go figure! So, maybe soon i'll be in pretty good shape...I figured out that most school days I walk about an hour!
Moving on to the weekend. Andy ran the local 5k run and the whole family had fun. My language helper joined us as we watched around 2000 people take off running down Krasnaya (our main downtown strip--like a "Main St.") Then less than 15 minutes later, we saw the first runners return--they said they were Olympians!! While I think Andy enjoyed his run, I was once again caught off guard by the fact that races are not a simply a spectator sport. When he did his marathon, I remember also getting a 4 hour workout walking back and forth to different spots. Well, this being a short race and having two kids with me, I figured I was safe. I walked the 15 minutes to Krasnaya from the house but when Michael John saw all the people running, he decided to join in. Thankfully, Vika was their to help me. She stayed with Nathanael while I let MJ run up and down one of the blocks while we waited for Andy to came back around!! MJ ran almost 4 blocks!!!! Needless to say he took a great nap that afternoon!!! :-) I'll try and see if I can get some video of it. He was so cute!
Well, I need to get to doing some homework and preparring my lesson for tomorrow, so off I go!
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